Lessons in Building Unconditionally Constructive Working Relationships

Lessons in Building Unconditionally Constructive Working Relationships

Roger Fisher and Scott Brown, Getting Together: Building Relationships As We Negotiate. New York: Penguin Books, 1989.

Summary:

In working relations and human relations in general there is considerable confusion as to what constitutes a good relationship in practical terms. Too often a good working relationship is considered in terms of agreement, approval or having shared values instead of good substantive outcomes that leave the concerned parties emotionally at ease and where differences have been effectively dealt with. Relationship is a process itself separate from its outcomes, and rather is to be pursued on its own merits.

As a process, it is possible to implement a definite strategy to foster good working relationships. The definition of the strategy itself is so concise and striking, it bears full citation:

An Unconditionally Constructive Strategy

Do only those things that are both good for the relationship and good for us, whether or not they reciprocate.

1. Rationality. Even if they are acting emotionally, balance emotions with reason.

2. Understanding. Even if they misunderstand us, try to understand them.

3. Communication. Even if they are not listening, consult them before deciding on matters that affect them.

4. Reliability. Even if they are trying to deceive us, neither trust them nor deceive them; be reliable.

5. Noncoercive mode of influence. Even if they are trying to coerce us, neither yield to coercion nor try to coerce them; be open to persuasion and try to persuade them.

6. Acceptance. Even if they reject us and our concerns are unworthy of their consideration, accept them as worthy of our consideration, care about them, and be open to learning from them.

Roger Fisher and Scott Brown, Getting Together: Building Relationships As We Negotiate (New York: Penguin Books, 1989), p.38

These guidelines are ‘unconditionally constructive’ because they can be good both for the relationship and the person or party that follows them regardless of whether the other side follows these same guidelines.

Rationality. Even if they are acting emotionally, balance emotions with reason.

A proper working relationship means a realization that each one involved, including oneself, ‘the party of the first part,’ is a human being that is both rational and emotional, and that both these aspects need to be balanced. Emotions need to be understood and acknowledged as part of the working relationship, and harnessed to provide motivation and deepen mutual understanding, but not allowed to become so strong that they cloud the judgment one’s own judgment. This will help to deal with the conflicts and problems that may occur.

Understanding. Even if they misunderstand us, try to understand them.

Understanding differences is necessary to understand them. This means seeking constantly to learn more about the interests, perceptions, concerns and values of the others involved in the relationship. It requires the strength to be able to change one’s preconceptions and views during the course of the relationship, and to seek to understand the choices before the others who are involved.

Communication. Even if they are not listening, consult them before deciding on matters that affect them.

Communication is not necessarily an indication of shared values, mutual approval or even friendship, and good communication is more necessary the less of any of these influence the relationship. Ineffective communication is no communication, one sided communication, or inconsistent communication (“mixed messages”). Effective communication means:

· Always consult before deciding. This does not mean an abdication of personal authority or responsibility but rather sharing necessary information.

· Listen effectively.

· Plan the communication to minimize inconsistent communication.

Reliability. Even if they are trying to deceive us, neither trust them nor deceive them; be reliable.

This takes personal trust and/or suspicion out of the process, and shifts the goal to pursue personal reliability and an accurate assessment of the risks of relying on the other person. A history of erratic, careless, deceptive and dishonest conduct is at the root of distrust; predictability, clarity, honesty and taking promises seriously builds trustworthiness and demonstrates reliability. A reliance on ‘pure trust’ in dealing with others will require legitimate actions to reduce risk, granting trust where it has been earned, fair and precise giving of praise and blame, and treating incidents of unreliability as a ground for changing one’s own actions as well as the other person’s actions.

Noncoercive mode of influence. Even if they are trying to coerce us, neither yield to coercion nor try to coerce them; be open to persuasion and try to persuade them.

Coercion damages working relationships and the quality of agreements for the long term, which is the opposite of attempting to build a long term working relationship. Coercive tactics include personal attacks, treating the negotiation as a win/lose contest, taking a hard and fast position, narrowing options to ‘either/or’, trying to break the will of the other side, and making threats. The persuasive tactics are to attack the problem, treat negotiation as problem solving, to remain open to persuasion and to explore interests, to invent multiple mutually advantageous options, deal with what is fair, and to improve one’s own BATNA.

Acceptance. Even if they reject us and our concerns are unworthy of their consideration, accept them as worthy of our consideration, care about them, and be open to learning from them.

Rejection creates psychological obstacles to an effective working relationship; rather the need is a willingness to deal with the other person, treat him or her with respect, give the other person’s interests the weight that they deserve, and treat the other person as a equal as a human being.

Applying the Lessons to Working in IT:

Rationality. Even if they are acting emotionally, balance emotions with reason.

· Since working on a project can mean assessing and evaluating the output of others, it can come up against emotional reactions from others in IT. It is therefore often necessary for the person involved to be the most rational and understanding person involved in the process.

· There is also the potential for emotional reactions from others if there are unexpected indications of poor quality on the project or overly optimistic evaluations of the quality of a project. Again, follow the lesson here.

Understanding. Even if they misunderstand us, try to understand them.

· Those involved in the software testing process can themselves be misunderstood and have their motives and objectives misunderstood. There is always a good possibility of being misunderstood by others on the project team as meddlers and nitpickers. The goal is to work past this and to understand what the project team is actually trying to accomplish, and be a part of this effort.

Communication. Even if they are not listening, consult them before deciding on matters that affect them.

· Constant communication and consultation is necessary throughout the process of testing with others on the project team. Often decisions are made along informal networks by those who have been working together for years. Still, the goal should be in the testing process to involve those who will be affected by testing decisions before those decisions are final.

· This is contrary to a ‘do it first, then ask permission’ way of doing things in an organization. This minimizes the long term and often negative consequences of leaving people who are significantly impacted by decisions and actions out of the path of influencing those decisions and actions.

Reliability. Even if they are trying to deceive us, neither trust them nor deceive them; be reliable.

· Reliability should be a normal qualification and method of operation for anyone involved in software testing or test consultation, or development for that matter.

· Reliability includes basic honesty.

· Reliability is the basis for future respect and being treated as trustworthy.

Noncoercive mode of influence. Even if they are trying to coerce us, neither yield to coercion nor try to coerce them; be open to persuasion and try to persuade them.

· One person may describe his own style of communication as persuasive, but the subjects of that communication style may call it more coercive. The truth is more often in the eye of the beholder in this instance.

Acceptance. Even if they reject us and our concerns are unworthy of their consideration, accept them as worthy of our consideration, care about them, and be open to learning from them.

· Being always open and ready to undertake an effective working relationship with others despite their previous behavior toward us is a sign of strength and confidence that others will respect. At the end of the day, the people we all work with are still people, and as such deserve this kind of quality treatment.